see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks
wait.... you do what?
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
It was a two-sided wall so part of my body ended up in someone elses condo.
I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?
We got to the hotel at 12AM with nothing but a plastic bag of magnum condoms and lube, while wearing glow sticks. The receptionist handed us a bunch of water bottles and said "These are on us.", not even phased by three dudes about to have a threesome. I love this town.
Circle jerk is a real thing. It looks like five innocent virgins in a closet at my brother's bar mitzvah. Yeah, I walked in on that.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
once he tried to wake me up from my hangover nap to have sex, that's when things went downhill. he had to go.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
She proceeded to flip everyone off then open a Heineken with her teeth.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
