My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono
How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?
you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"
I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.
The woman at the nail salon waxing my lip just showed me the strip with all the hair on it while smirking. Apparenltly 'you have a stache' can be communicated through a language barrier.
Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
Side note. I love it when I think I've sobered up and then I get a second wind of drunk
sooo trippy being back in town after 5 years. if you had asked me in high school who would be future coke heads, i would have been way off
You don't marry someone you don't want to fuck senseless this is 2014 dammit
I'm like 89% sure I could get him to buy me a car in exchange for a half-assed handy.
So, I never imagined myself puking on the side of the road at 10:30 this morning to Lynyrd Skynyrd but here I am.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
high I am. I am yoda. Yoda I am
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