I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
and she was petting her beer can
i have one hour to talk myself into enjoying giving him a blow job when i get home
You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.
They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?
Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Nothing like coaching 5 year olds with a bunch of visible bruises from last night's drunk bondage sex.
My body looks like ricotta cheese had a vacation
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
Randomize