can you blame him?
i blame him for everything, HE GOT ME PREGNANT
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
HOLY SHIT HE'S TRYING TO EAT HIS FOOT. THIS IS THE BEST DAY OF MY LIFE.
Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.
There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order
Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face
On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
did i get sucker punched in the face last night or was our make-out session just that intense?
I cant miss out on a half day of work without a booty call
I woke up with an empty beer bottle in my slipper and a note that said "it just wants to be warm"
I had to break up with her. She was sending me study schedules and recipes for vegan lasagna. I’m just trying to survive man
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