You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.
I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I woke up naked on my couch playing a video game I thought I had dreamed about... oh yeah, and someone cut my hair.
At the end of the date, he asked if he could kiss me. I really wanted to say "dude, I didn't shave for nothing"
I stirred my drink with a butcher knife. His roomate keeps giving me dirty looks
Like what do you want from me
the bright side of moving is at least my Tinder options will refresh
I went out to dinner with the girls thinking I'd be home early. Instead I ended up in the Englishman's hotel room. Long Live The Queen.
Randomize
