If you get a breast reduction, you have to let me see them before hand at least once. It's a rule.
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
i dont know what was worse.. snorting the wasabi or puking on the neighbors dog
I came so hard just now that I think I may have regenerated.
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
It's like when your main girl and your side girl start having their period in the same week
You are the most depressed sports fan I know
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
Let's get a hotel room this time. I really don't want to sleep in a Dennys parking lot again.
You randomly sent me a black Santa Claus emoji at 2am. I think alcohol was involved.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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