i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
They can't keep moving my court date back, i dont know if I'll survive another one of these going away to jail parties.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
for me, it's working out the tricky timing of the Viagra and nightly laxative.
Just realized I used a picture of my little sister to holler at a guy, only 3 months old and she's already my wingman.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
OMG. When you threw the used condom on your floor you threw it in my purse!!! I just went to grab my headphones and it was stuck to them!
Randomize
