Yeah, where have you been?
Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.
dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?
Tonight marks the 1 yr anniversary of me waking up in a bush. is that reason enough to celebrate?
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
I would have publicly shamed him but I'm pretty sure his tramp stamp did that on its own...
The more I drank he just got hotter and hotter. And then the mustache didn't look too bad
Maybe because you rubbed my clit while we were making churros
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I'm pretty sure even the managers want me to show up hungover my last day, it would be negligent and disrespectful to do otherwise
I share a birthday weekend with Easter this year, so that fucking sucks. I hate sharing...and I have to share with fucking Jesus this year.\n
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
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