i'm in the sorta mood where i wanna be that crying, drunk girl who will hook up with anyone that tells her she's pretty
i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"
I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
Please tell me I made it home with both shoes on
Nope
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
she was puking nonstop out of the car window in the rain during our hour long drive back, we got lot of honks
He literally poured blue Gatorade on me after we had sex and said "good game" all over my white sheets
I got a lap dance last night from a girl while I was wearing a Captian America onsie. My life does not suck.
I did not shave my legs to sit at home and diddle myself. He better wake the fuck up and put the fear of god in me!
Randomize
