I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
i just dedicated my kegstand to your breasts
Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.
I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
I just used crown royal bags as pot holders...
Life without a bra equals bliss.
I gave my girlfriend a ring to celebrate our anniversary, she thought It was an engagement ring. Now im getting married and I don't know what to do.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
I felt the need to set off fireworks in the living room while they were having sex upstairs. Yes, they quieted down.
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
Randomize
