I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
Women are like Alzheimers patiens. You can compliment them a million times in a day, but the next day is always a wash, you have to start all over.
I found your dream girl. She looked 11 but drove and on her key chain it said "if i am not wasted the day is"
how do u look a man in the eye when u own both his daughters V-Cards?
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
i draw the line when you ask for directions at a place you're already at.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
It's fine. I wouldn't trust either of them to be my workplace drug buddy.
your phone died, so you started bawling in the bar
yeah that sounds like me
My sweat smells like Wild Turkey. I'm really feeling the holiday spirit.
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
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