I'm at the psychiatrist, and this lady is crazy.. she keeps yelling about how her HMO insurance gave her breast cancer? Adderall isn't worth this.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
Its officially tradition: I black out every year on michael jackson's death day..
i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you
you're like that jamaican tarat card reading chick... only with herpes
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
She's gone now. Left with the wind like a majestic leaf that just rides the invisible current to locations unknown. And dude, her friends were really hot.
Weve literally been going out drinking five days a week. That counts as a full time job right?
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
Your life is one shit show away from being a lifetime movie.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
FYI telling a guy that you're glad his dick isn't big after giving him a bj, is NOT a compliment.
I took out a life ins. policy Thursday. It's okay I can die in Nashville now.
Randomize
