Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
It's not ok to announce to a group of people playing beer pong that a girl put her finger in your butt last night. I now know this
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
I woke to him laying in the floor puking in a shoe. So I guess we had a good night.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
Randomize
