made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
its really sad that i have to specifically make this a rule but, absolutely no lighting smoke bombs indoors at my birthday party.
I have their Unicorn picture in my shirt, and I just threw a Bud Light Platinum bottle through their window. We need to go now.
I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock
may or may not have figured out a way to make my mom a drug mule to bring me ecstasy...
Add caroling to the list of things we need to do in an elevator
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
He sent me a picture of his dick as a snake, I'd say things are going great.
I need dunkaroos back in my life.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Literally I can feel my heart beat in my vagina because of how sore I am
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
Is 10AM too early for pizza and Dr. Pepper?
Only if 5PM is too early to be drunk. And when has that ever stopped us?
I'm hungover from the 8pm vodka and still drunk from the 5am beer.
Randomize
