She told me that she had to rub her face against me because she was part cat.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night
This from the guy I found eating salad out of a pot lid in his boxers on his porch last night.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
well he got me up crazy early but i got pizza for breakfast and an electric blanket to sleep with sooo he passed the one night stand test.
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
It made me want to take you home, put you in footie pajamas and feed you spaghettios
sexting foreigners is the best. they respond with silly things like "love that tits"
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
I told my mom Jesus would want me to snort drugs on his birthday
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
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