Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
i gave her road head last night, needless to say it wasn't the same and i bit a chunk of the inside of my cheek off.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
So a list of things I should stay away from bringing up at dinner with your fiance tonight?
1) you and I went to a strip club 2) i saw you topless at said strip club 3) i cried when we watched the Real World
my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?
Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.
The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
Condoms and Ice Cream, that's all we need.
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
I'm a history major and he's the descendant of TWO presidents. Did you really think I wasn't going to sleep with him?
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
