I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
The plus side of allergy season is that after our weekend coke binge my runny nose fits right in.
He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle
I can't cum and do my makeup at the same time.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
It was everywhere. My dick was a sprinkler of lost future children.
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Drunk assassins creed leads to explaining to my father that "it was only a steak knife in the arm"
You gotta come over now. He is eating cupcakes while they are still in the foil.
She is still out of it but keeps saying ur name she said to tell u dinosaurs aren't real but biscuit with a z made bad choices
He just flipped the beer pong table and set the ceiling fan on fire things are about to get crazy
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
