don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.
he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.
She said she wanted to have closure sex.
just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.
So basically you were a dog.
Hurry up. Some creepy guy with a "God is vengeful" flyer is asking where I wanna go most today. I think he's going to chop me into pieces.
you put your hands over the taxi driver's eyes and shouted GUESS THE WAY TO THE CLUB
LOOK AT MY HAIR, DOES THIS LOOK LIKE THE HAIR OF A PERSON WHO HAS HER LIFE TOGETHER?
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I remember climbing onto your table and singing"tequila tequila" into your candlesticks. I apologize.
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
I want to ride that like one of the Horsemen of the Apocalypse- with bourbon in hand and without mercy.
Randomize
