Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
is it bad if i hope guys are like edward cullen and can read my mind. i could be a whore in disguise.
Just saw my neighbor passed out in his front yard, leg stretching into the road. Full beer in his hand.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
I can't wait for the day Google doesn't remind me that I got arrested for having 3 shots called 'frog cum' lined up in front of me.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
Not great. "Leave the toilet seat down, it gives me somewhere to rest my face."
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
It is getting ridiculous, the elaborateness of the schemes I have to concoct so my suitemates don't know I'm pooping.
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
Haha do not judge my life style choices right now but me and Dj had sex twice and then he helped me pick an outfit out for my date
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