3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
Just got my period. I'm not pregnant with Scott's child and I won't be having any sex tonight. This must be what they mean by bittersweet.
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
Seriously, you can't give someone's wife an orgasm on the dance floor of a gay nightclub and then hang out with her husband the following week
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
All I have in my new place is coke and a treadmill.. it's workout Wednesday
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Sorry this is taking so long. I'm looking for my dignity.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
Decided to stay in tonight. Completely sober. Just got two drunken booty calls within 5 minutes of each other. This is my life.
Randomize
