I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
At what number of girls whose last names are stored in your phone book as drinking establishments does it become excessive?
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Also, I'm going to TRY and be casual this weekend, but really, we need to be serious about equally dividing our time between party and bullshit.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
He turned on read receipts specifically so i'd know he was ignoring me.
I'm bleeding and intoxicated as I'm walking to my final right now. Wish me luck
Your mom has reinvented the use of a ping pong ball.
when i woke up w mysterious sticky crap in my hair, i assumed i had another blackout hookup. nope. turns out i made PBJ and proceeded to pass out in it. i ate the evidence when i woke up.
Randomize
