sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
i can't believe i had my finger in that
we got back to my place and he started talking about feelings. i politely told him to leave and that he managed to cock block himself.
What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?
every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.
Yea...coming from the girl who didn't understand why m&ms and tequila wasn't a "suitable diet"
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?
I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.
My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.
I was expecting it to be of the "I am your vagina's reckoning" caliber.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Seriously. I'm like, "Wait, we are actually talking about physics in the middle of sex and its ACTUALLY erotic because you're so fucking intelligent I'm turned on?"
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
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