My balls are so social today.
She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.
We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.
You dont lie about slip and slides
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
I feel like these arent even my fingers anymore
Well you were already wet from trying to drink straight from the faucet, so I just put you in the bathtub with a pillow and called it a night
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
According to timehop today marks the 3rd anniversary of my 1st blackout
The more time I spend surrounded by Mormons, the more I miss alcohol.
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
