Pappa wants mamma naked
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
For some reason fuck navy didn't go over quite as well as say fuck michigan;
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
How many drinks/blunt hits do you think I could get if I wore an "it's my birthday" shirt
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I just got a lap dance from a kid in the coconut bra... So not drunk enough for this.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I'm sober now, I ate a whole cantaloupe.
She was so happy for me that she insisted I fuck her with my Bills jersey on. THAT ACCOMMODATING
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