this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
My financial aid advisors would be so pissed if they knew I was spending my loan money on strippers
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
I already apologized. And I got cum in my eye in return, I say your night beats mine...
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.
I sincerely thought making it to McDonalds by 10:00am was a shoe-in but it appears that I need to adjust my zoom when looking at the map before walking to places.
You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.
A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.
I found her face down on the kitchen floor asking anybody who walked by for Kraft Dinner
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Some Romanian guy at work just told me "you come my house, we drink beer and you come make fuck with my sister"
If he's not there watching you go for it. It's been a while bro.
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
Randomize
