happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
Haha sweet. I'm being the Mad Hatter. I'll be drinking out of a tea cup all night. Or at least until I inevitably lose it, break it, or use it as a weapon.
Got paid 100 bucks to babysit a kid for five hours while hungover. I slept the whole time and threw up twice. Yes 100 bucks.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
I remember telling you that I think Taylor Swift has stolen my essence. I still think that's true.
You had sex with a guy who has a purple beard last night. No Molly for a while, ok?
I believe in your delicious
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You know when your cat drags a dead bird into the the house as a present and drops it at your feet looking all pleased because it thinks you'll be pleased? That's what sex with him was like.
Randomize
