My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!
you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
they paper machayed me.
i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.
We're not on Beacon Street anymore so now your argument about not peeing on the sidewalk holds no water. Whereas my bladder has holded every water.
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I think my liver has finally had enough and is going all Ashley-Judd-in-a-Lifetime-movie on me.
He wrote his entire dissertation last night. I can only imagine the frightening amount of headway he would make if he ever did things sober.
i just woke up, first off why is there pineapple everywhere and who's underwear is on my ceiling fan ?
Lol I'm just saying its too early for your penis, I can accept it but at a more decent hour
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