Rylan was made in your driveway. Just thought, as godfather, you should know.
one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Does it count as a shower if I just sat in the tub singing I'm a Little Teapot?
He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom
As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"
On my way to the DMV to get arrested
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Do you think he feels stupid trying to bang girls with his small penis? I'd be embarrassed.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I just had a very enlightening conversation with my hat. we need more of whatever the fuck that was.
I feel like I owe her child an apology or something after blowing my load on the tattoo she has of her.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
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