were talking about masturbation in my pysc class. He says it's healthy. I'm gonna live forever
i got so high last night i cried hysterically for like 5 minutes because i dont have any superpowers
You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"
you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
I'm starting to blur the boundary between reasonable senioritis and self-destruction. Somewhat-openly hittin the flask in 11am class
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
He came over and said its legs day so put them in the air! Fucked me for 30 minutes and said he had dinner reservations to go to. Well i just ran into him and his friends hammered at Taco Bell
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
I just turned down a booty call because I'm having a Star Wars movie marathon
She wanted to get out of there before you guys woke up so she wouldn't let me find my underwear. Lol So I apologize to whoever finds that in your room.
Can you leave her a note saying "did you enjoy watching me fuck your roommate?"
I will.
He nicknamed his dick "the fountain of youth" I think it's time to move on...
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