I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
so I called to to smoke and you didn't pick up so I smoked and now I'm a race car
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
He waited exactly 18 minutes to booty call me after his break up.
don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
He fucked me for my Netflix login, I fucked him for his HBO login, and actually I think that's beautiful
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
No, not if I told them not to. they listen to me. I have a vagina.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
Randomize
