Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Pretty sure I was high. I thought there was music coming out of my makeup bag.
After the party last night, I dreamt I continued drinking... Apparently my subconscious didn't think I'd had enough...
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
By the way I got my period today. No NHL babies for me.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
I shit you not. I was sitting on Brian's balcony...still drunk from the night before, and a hummingbird flew onto the patio, stared me right in the face and flew away. I feel like it was God's way of telling me, "Stop drinking."
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
