Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
do you want me to tag you in the pics from the party?
Hmm. Use your judgment. Bootlicking pics are probably not ok. Otherwise fine.
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
Are you high?
The snorkel mask makes that pretty clear
Just stuck all that extra cocaine money we made in a savings account...like a responsible adult..
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
The struggles of a small town man whore
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
you put your keys in the fridge so you wouldn't forget your yoohoo
Dude 4th of July week was our like 5th anniversary of you sending me dick pics ❤️
Randomize
