Theres a random in my bed. Omg but at least he's a law student?
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
I hope you're ready because I look like an elf on crack had a baby in the medieval era and that baby grew up to be a whore
I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck
I didn't think it was possible for the human body to be physically dependant on weed until I moved in with this kid
fuck he's narrating my life in a british voice make him stop im way too fucking high for this
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Not only is he in the circus, the man survived a near death experience and has an accent. She might as well have found a unicorn. This shit just doesn't happen in real life. Where did she meet this magical creature?
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Shower sex is an art that should not be attemted drunk
I found our waiter on grindr, gave him my number, and got him to send a dick pic. Still not getting laid but close enough?
The other guys kept waking up so I hid... Like, dick in mouth, hiding in his sleeping bag
But seriously. What possible excuse could I come up with to ditch my parents on Christmas to go fuck him?
Randomize
