dude, osama threatened the US again
dude. i slept with your sister last night
what?
I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news
I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
I'm watching him slurp a whole mango out of her hand. It's disturbingly arousing.
Just so you know, a 6'7" tall gay man, with a martini in one hand and a fairy wand in the other, is not a force to be reckoned with...don't ask.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
its like i just tried to scrub the hangover off of me.
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
