My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
Just coerced a Santa to buy me a handle. Tis the season.
That's two mile stones in one shot. A ginger and that's my third ashley.
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
I'm going to have to take an awkward trip to the front desk to ask them if they found a pair of turquoise shorts and an "I'm the Mom" sweatshirt.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
I'm so drunk. Remember me this way.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
So, my eyeglasses somehow ended up in my nightstand drawer and they're covered in lube.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
So glad I can hide money in my wallet and drunk me is too stupid to find it. Hangover sushi ftw.
Not this time. I'm drinking in my sweatpants which means I've given up for the day and shouldn't be in public.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
