I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.
i think you have the wrong number
so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.
apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Nothin says happy bday jesus like a shot with your loved ones.
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.
You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
Omg. We have to workout today. I just looked at myself in the mirror and thanked a god I don't believe in for drunken boys and dark rooms.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
The squirrels were at the front door. Dude I swear..
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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