I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
Taking a shot for every status related to the patriots losing. Hello hospital.
I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
Either I just got hit on by a 10 year old.girl dressed like a boy or I just got hit on by a midget lesbian. Either way I feel uncomfortable
Thanks for the morning blowjob. Scientifically proven you can't have a bad day if it starts with a blowjob.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
You woke up butt naked, peed yourself said something about jumbo shrimp, and passed back out 10 seconds ltr..
JEREMY RENNER GOT DIVORCED. I STILL HAVE A CHANCE.
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
there is such a gross feeling of satisfaction when the married guy i used to hook up with likes my facebook status.
Randomize
