My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
Fun fact: Antibacterial soap will not take the combined smell of bbq sauce and vagina off your hands.
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I'm sorry that I ate boneless ribs off of your sister, but that is no reason to drink my alcohol.
I'm going to be fiscally responsible and buy a handle.
So apparently they remodeled our middle school. Looks like we'll need to find a new roof to play beer pong on this summer.
When I say "is it a bad idea to do Mollie before an 8hr shift tomorrow?" I dont want to hear the truth I want to hear you encouraging my bad decisions
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
It's a sad statement on my day when the high point was getting a pap test.
I just saw a guy walking up the stairs with his dick out his pants. I let him know, and he just looked down in shock, laughed, and continued walking up the stairs.
We are bad people. This is why we are friends. <3
Randomize
