That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
After I finished inserting the catheter he said he thought my name was familiar. Didn't have the nerve to tell him he was my fifth grade teacher.
Go forth Daniel, drink, be merry... And meet some hot Asians for your friends to bang
I am seriously thinking about wearing a blanket as a cape. So when I pass out tonight the blanket might keep me warm.
For our 1st date, he tried to schedule a rock climbing. I suggested, "how about we meet at my place and you can scale Mt. Vagina?"
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
I was in the bathroom and I heard a phone ding inside one of the stalls. I really wanted to say, nature is calling, but I was still in my work uniform
I'm very aware of my heart moving the blood in my body.
I know she’s pissed I fucked her husband, but I didn’t know he was married until after I blew him at Legoland
I'm gonna make out with this 38 yr old. Mark my words. I don't even have daddy issues.
Randomize
