Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
She's helping me study for the final by writing the vocab words all over her body.
Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I got an assistant at work. First task was picking me up at a strip club. I was drunk and trying explain how it was work related
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
last night I used snow as a chaser
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