The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Tonight has been like a good ass fucking high school movie
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.
That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.
I realized courtney is my jiminy cricket but instead of preventing me from telling lies she prevents me from fucking strangers
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Riding on an electric horse at the grocery store... dunno how that conversation went but I hope you picked up a 12 pack.
My dry heaving is complicating my ability to speak.
drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries
please come home... she's showing me videos of spanish parrots and is telling me about her dead cousin...
well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
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