I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
his mom walked in while I was blowing him. he turned around in panic and accidentally punched me in the face. i have a black eye and only half the clothes i came here in. can you give me a ride?
saw a man at the beach in a red speedo. when he rolled over he unintentionally displayed a HUGE skid mark.
The old saying is "its not the size of the boat-- but the motion of the ocean" is obviously for those on the "Small side." I am of the belief that "You can't churn butter with a toothpick"
he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.
I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
And also ice skating can blow me. Goodnight, love you!
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
so.. please tell me you did not really sleep on the washing machine last night
guilty
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Ever get that feeling that you're the back up booty call and half way through securing the fake date excuse to try to get in your pants, the guy hears back from the original booty call and drops the conversation with no explanation?
Um. I just realized I still have a beer in my purse from last night. I'm at work. I am so classy.
Randomize
