So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
but really, i care about skinny girls as much as michael vick cares about rotweilers
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila
There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.
I just smoked my last bit of kief with a grill lighter. This is what crackheads must feel like.
tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
We're gonna be late. Scott went too far predrinking amd tried pierce his own lip with a poptab. Save me a beer, i'm gonna need it.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
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