Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five
I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall
My roommate's all sad and is crying and the chick I want to bang is in the room and Nic Cage is on fire. What the fuck.
Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.
EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
You tell anyone I'm rocking out to Pitbull in an economy, base-model car, I'll kill you.
I know we're not on great terms here, but I need to know if you're still available for sexual activity...cause if not I need to get going on a work-out plan.
Randomize
