I never thought that I'd ever use the phrase "and the resulting ice cream explosion" seriously at work...
handjob tips. give me some.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night
What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.
Is it bad that I feel proud to be the first one to puke in the apartment? And I did it in style?
You straight up painted the counter with steak, tequila and beer. You owe me a knew toothbrush.
At a point I was just cumming dust last night
All I've had to eat today are potatoes...and by that I mean vodka and chips
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
I can tell just by looking at the wedding photos that the groom has hooked up with at least three of his groomsmen. I would feel bad for her except that she’s hooked up with two of the same ones.
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