rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.
She threw up everywhere and is crying about a fictional character who died on Grey's Anatomy
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
To be so small, the mini-horses are exceptionally aggressive. And fast. Very, very fast.
Abort! Abort! He almost bit off a finger!
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
You dropped a beer and it was like when wilson floated away. Complete with sobbing apologies
Shit, no womder she didn't wanna fuck me
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
You wanna explain to me why there is a banana shoved down my pants?
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
This year my vagina is giving thanks that several of my cubs are coming home for the holiday
Randomize
