you kept eating the heads off the gummy bears and screaming 'euthanized!'
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Dude, I think someone on your skype account may have seen me beat off. I used your computer and didnt realize you were still signed in. Please tell me no one was on...
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
Seriously, I'm making a calendar and marking off the days with little penis's
You stared at the ground for like 20 minutes willing yourself to get sober
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
He added me to his contacts as 'boot and rally'...have you ever been more proud to be related to me?
I can't wait to tell mom.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
I forgot a room to the key..so whenever you wake ip and read this...I'm sleeping inthe hallway..please find me
He kept referring to my giving him head as a new level in our relationship and acting sentimental
You gave him a bj, not a kidney
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Randomize
