Why the fuck do they always fuck on couches in porn?
Don't ever text me while you're jacking off. EVER.
"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"
I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later
She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.
I am tired of banking on my penis size to overcome my lack of game.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
We turned a watering can into a margarita bong.
at one point, i told him to buy you a pumpkin spice latte and uggs because you're a common white girl and that's how he should get you in bed
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
I like how you were offering me $50 last night to come home with you to take care of you and your dog
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
I just named someones junk. I should not be allowed to talk to people.
Randomize
