If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i will never coherently bang her
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?
well apparently not.
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
He's living a porn movie. He's slept with a waitress at her work for lunch, a bar tender at the bar that night, and the cleaning lady the next morning.
I tore the muscle in my left calf at the gym and still spent all evening in heels. UNSTOPPABLE!
DC is easy, you will figure it out.
I'm drunk and blonde. You are wayyyy underestimating this.
In my next life I better get to be a bird. Fuck flying. I'm gonna shit on your car. Every. Day.
I definitely fucked a Trump supporter last night but I wouldn't let him fully admit it because then I would've had to leave and his cock and abs were too perfect
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
He texted me "sup", so I sent him that gif of the surprised guy and apparently it offended him
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Randomize
