Unfortunately, they didn't pull of their wake and bake plans. Instead, they waked and vomited like a half-retarded giraffe till everyone woke up.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
In retrospect, getting to second base BEFORE anal wouldve been a good idea
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
Freshmen girls are like potato chips you can't have just one.
Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands
I just want to smoke this blunt and eat pizza rolls while watching The Price Is Right with you.
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
I need to learn how to not be a fucking liability
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
Randomize
