Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.
I denied three guys and puked everywhere because I love you.
After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.
I had a dream that I got a gift certificate to a lavish spa from my father. I think dream dad, along with real dad, think I'm gay.
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
Aaaand the winner of the worst decision of Sunday night goes to me as I pull up to his house in my lingerie.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
You 2012 self promised me that you would do LSD with me, and it's 2015 now. So.
Plus, I'm basically a doctor, so what could go wrong.
I just threw up into a baby carriage. There was a baby in it.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
