I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
Blew in her face. She is Pissed. Yahtzee. As she brushes her teeth.
he was dropping me off and i told him i had to go to the bathroom and i leaned into kiss him and he asked how i went to the bathroom with a tampon up there... he was amazed that their was a third hole...and wanted me to show him where it was
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?
well i fucked her too, so yes.
I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.
I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?
While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.
You said you were "testing the product for Chris."
I'm a bad man.
Told her my spirit animal was the spread eagle. Now that's my name in her phone.
He should just accept that I want his dick and his friendship. Can't he understand that I don't do emotions?
I found my soulmate. Behold my idiot as we spaz into the sunset.
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
I got dropped off at my house at like 1030. Woke up hugging a street cat I've never seen before. Ended up drinking 260 oz of beer. 65 types. Then went out after blehhhhhh
The sun is out, the birds are chirping, I made some brownies, I'm not pregnant
This is literally what my 13-year old cousin said to me this morning.
If I die at work, I want you to have my mustache collection
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