tonight lets celebrate not being married
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
Well then. It seems like we have a Mexican standoff of genitals
ASS. GYMANSTICS. OLYMPICS. NOW!!!
I'm ashamed and embarrassed. Unless we get drunk and have random sex with people we will never see again we might lose ourselves.
things I never thought I would say vol. 24 "Bagpipes just remind me that my relationship is over"
I totally almost forgot you fucked that guy. St. Patty's bar crawls always have a drawback.
i knew it was love when she pulled a beer out from between her boobs and offered it to me
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
There's a guy masturbating in front of Sephora right now
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
His junk had piercings everywhere. The dick and balls. It was a fucking pirate penis.
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
You started singing Baby Shark, screamed you have no idea how it goes, then somehow turned the beat into Bohemian Rhapsody
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
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