Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this
So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.
he also begged me to fake an orgasm when he couldn't get me to come.
I'd really appreciate it if we could dress up as pilgrims and indians for the thanksgiving eve bar crawl
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
Dude, Taco Bell gave me a free fiesta potatoes when I won a bet on wether I could fit the entire rim of a cup in my mouth.
She started puking and I started running and I swear to god there was a wave of vomit chasing me down the stairs.
I think it's time for a new pick up line. So far my " hey you want to go back to my place, order a pizza and fuck?" Has set me at an all time low downtown 0/4
I'm home now if you wanna come over.
Sloane just tried to lick my eyeball. I'm going to regain my composure then I'll be there.
I just had to ask my drug dealer to "keep it simple for me". Is this a new low?
We've done worse things
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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