I swear ... this hickey is a map to Amelia Earhart's whereabouts
He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
Just smoked out of an apple with Steve Jobs. I love Halloween.
Theme for your birthday? Beer olympics in S&M costumes? Sounds like a nice little saturday
Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?
Everything hurts.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
Got drunk and passed out flintstone vitamins to everyone at the bar. I'm just so god damn motherly
Just passed the animal clinic parking lot I had to pull over to puke in during welcome week. I can almost hear the dogs barking at my shame again.
just woke up on the floor of my shower...it was still runnning
Do they still have sex clubs in San Francisco? Because that'd be an interesting way to spend Easter.
I'm just waking up. I awoke in a towel (I must have showered at some point),i also found a half eaten McChicken in my bed and vomit in the toilet. Seems like I'm winning at life
New one isn't as good asmy ex. She won't put her tongue up my butt
Peter this is your "ex"
I stand by what i said
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
