my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
She definitely looked like a troll, but I had take one for the team. Or at least thats what I keep telling myself
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
They just built a gym in the same parking lot as my favorite bar. Drunk me is gonna be so excited.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
Black labs can get you to do pretty much anything...even approach strange men in their bath robes
We found you with your penis in the vacum hose crying softly...
really enjoying the fact I don't remember how the staff party ended. feel like I need to shame drink today
feel at noon?
Randomize
