the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
I decided you couldn't drive after you asked where the time circuits were on your Altima
I wanted to see November 5, 1985
zippers are such a cool invention
I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
At what point did you actually think that you could throw knives safely?
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
The man was doing everything in his power to get away from his wife, including go into the gay club.
I just kept thinking.. Holy shit. We're fucking in my front yard.
I think my fortune cookie is telling me I give good blowjobs.
he called me his ex's name during sex then proceeded to cry while still in me
He literally ejaculated and I hit Uber
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
God knew I'd have horrible taste in men, so made me asexual to ensure I'd never fuck them.
Randomize
