I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
woke up with ski boots on and a kayak in my room... birthday successful? i'd say so
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
Oh god, so much rum. I think I was in a shotgun wedding with a Bacardi promotion girl.
If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
He's got the most well kempt beard I've ever seen and I need it between my thighs is basically what I'm saying
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
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