Lady GaGa only went backwards in convincing me she's not a man at the VMAs.
She's the only one so far who hasn't laughed at me naked.... I'm gonna marry her.
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one
you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
Everything tastes like Lysol. Am I dying?
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
this speak and spell drinking game will be the death of us all.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I could probably be laying here naked and he'd still be more interested in this thunderstorm
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
Guess it's not a good idea to try lighting a cigarette with my stove drunk, I burnt off half my bangs.
I just thought you should know that you should be proud of your dick. It's pretty much perfect. Just, ya know, by the way.
Randomize
