My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special
So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?
Poland
I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
You spent the entire night trying to get me to make out with you
yeah I remember. your boyfriend shouldnt have cheered me on though.
It all started with sending him a text about Spongebob. It escalated from there.
My desperation for dick was off put by his anime figure collection.
dave might be using McDoubles to pay for dances
he has gotten at least 7 lap dances out back
Once the overwhelming "oh god my crotch is on fire" wears off, that excite stuff is really nice
So I got a text from him saying "jacking off...thinking of you" I think I'm going to get a restraining order
Apparently i'm now known as the kid who was double fisting tequila and pedialyte.
I don't even remember what dignity looks like anymore. I JUST WANTED TO ROAST SOME POTATOES
Randomize