Your girlfriend is a south jersey whore
Do you think there's anyone left in this world that hasn't masturbated in a computer chair?
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I walk in and my mom takes one look at me and just says, ".... Consequences"
Even though I wasn't drunk last night, I peed in the sink just so I could keep my record going
Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.
you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
He told her hed rather go bobbing for apples in puke than have sex with her.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
this is the 3rd time this week I've gone to the liquor store to stock up for the next 2 weeks
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