so then she threw up in his asshole
yep..that'll do it.
speaking of unleashing monsters, we need to get condoms
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
it was a weeks worth of wine for $20. it would have been fiscally irresponsible to not buy it.
And why did 3 people fail to stop me from literally getting a piggy back ride from the bar to his apartment?!
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
I need to do something profound in the next three and a half years so that when my kids ask what I did in my twenties I have something to say other than "made bad decisions"
Ripped lines in the bathroom before my presentation.. Got bonus marks for my enthusiasm.. This is why I love drugs
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
So I have a scar from when the stripper tore off my underwear .... Best birthday ever
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
There it is. Caramel-coated dick. Someone is getting a yeast infection later.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
Randomize
