I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....
Performed a legit marriage between 2 drunk people at last call yesterday. Becoming ordained has already paid for itself.
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
One good thing out of all this is her ass is huge. Like Australia Big.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.
Go to hungover. Go directly to hungover. Do not pass go. Do not collect 200 dollars
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Randomize
