dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
I puked in my fridge last night while I was trying to get water
Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her
Let's just say after this weekend I'm known as Shameous the Irish bar fighter.
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I could run a drunk marathon in heels
Major life highlight, she said my dick taste like coffee.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
They're letting me in by good graces, I can't show up with a fist full of dildos
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
I'd rather plunge my eyes out than acknowledge being related to either of my brothers
Randomize
