smell like capt'n and strawberry champagne
The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
ROOF CAVED IN, WE'RE GUNNA MAKE A WATERSLIDE
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
Beer is acceptable at 830am if it's your bday, right?
If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.
You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
He specifically said I couldn't post the picture of him passed out naked except for a strategically placed washcloth. Where's the fun in that?
YOU'RE MARRIED. TO OTHER PEOPLE.
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
I'm sorry for breaking our door. And being a bitch about it.
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
I mean, who hasn’t been fingered in there back of an Uber?
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