Big sunglasses are the new paper bag
ya. and they're way easier to confince girls to wear during sex
Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet
Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
So glad I decided to show up and puke in your trashcan.
These are the moments that bond souls forever.
It's going to be weird as hell when you have kids. I'll meet them and think "Hi, Did you know that I was almost your dad?"
Not saying puking on the side of a cab was how I imagined freshman year of med school but...
I'm pretty sure NORMAL roommates don't have to hide each others sex toys from their fuck buddies.
It's a sad day when ur phone automatically updates u on Thursdays that traffic is normal and how long it will take to get to the bar
That's fucking great actually
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Between his smile and monumental dick even the virgin mary woulda blown that man and I am far from the virgin. I didn't stand a chance.
No instead we fucked in the elevator.. it was wrong on so many levels..
How tall was the building? Maybe it was only wrong on some of them
He had a tattoo of a crown above his penis. He was AMAZING! It was well deserved. LONG LIVE THE KING!
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