it was all good till he told me to dance slow and quiet
hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
no, I didn't go in the end. Too hungover and hot, plus Star Wars is on so obviously I'm having a naked day.
Can you plz delete the video of me twerking in Waffle House, my mom just got a vine.
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
How did it feel to just observe all the people blacking out usually you're on the other end of things
I felt like I was at the zoo
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
Plus my dignity needs a night alone with me.... Oh that's right. I lost it last night
My new roommate is one of my Tinder matches... It is so on.
I can't wait to get to LA so I can punch her in the face
her idea of a romantic time is a bottle of jager, some Guacamole and chips.
can't go wrong with guac.
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