Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
throwing up in the shower isnt as glamorous as i expected
since when the fuck is that glamorous?
We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I found a blow up pig at an adult store. He will have to fuck that on video if he wants anal. Also, I bought a pair of clear high heels. Tell your brother I love him.
I learned that I order a bunch of dollar shots at the bar and once it's ready turned around and say "who wants pay?" And someone will pay
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Just for once I'd like my first interaction with a new GP to not be an obvious sex injury.
Oh Jesus our whore days are numbered
this is a save-me-from-tijuana-tequila-and-hoookers booty call. if i don't hear from you by 8pm i'm grabbing my passport
if i'm not back tomorrow call the embassy
I ask him how he's going, like life and stuff, and he responds "20-0 pats"
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Memeber that time you got detained in Poland. We don’t talk about that enough
Randomize
