look no pants
he spent the whole night trying to convince me into a2m. i won't even use the pb til i clean the jelly knife. i love him but it's not going to happen.
She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?
You'd be proud of me. They tried to give me bread to sober up, but I told them no, im on a diet.
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.
She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
Winning the lottery was the best thing that ever happened to my penis.
Greatest pickup line ever: "We are out celebrating winning the lottery."
I just folded my boss's lingerie. I need a drink and a raise
I mean in all honesty I would let James Franco shit on my chest. End of story
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
you yelled, puked and cried then passed out in the fetal position in your underwear
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