i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.
My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
Two options. One, you listen while I freak out. Two, we have mediocre to awesome car sex and don't talk. Either way, I'll be there by 7
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
There needs to be a greeting card for "I miss having sex and smoking weed with you."
also. got fucked to usher last night. dunno if thats a new high or a new low
Was it at least a good usher song?
How do I let my trainer know I'm only at the gym so I can get in more intense sex positions?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
You were licking skittles to check if they were "halucinateizers" so no, you are not leaving the house while on antibiotics.
There's a little game I've come up with since the mess of a party I had; it's called "tinsel or condom wrapper? (or: what's that on the floor?)"
He was eating me out on a samsung washing machine and as soon as I came, I heard the "end of cycle" song. That tune will now always remind me of the screaming, multiple orgasms I recieved tonight!
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