Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
got delayed, meet you at the bar soon, found a shopping cart, i am now getting pushed to the bar by some guy that was peeing in the alley i found the cart in
You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
Apparently you missed the drunkest me ever documented. I slept on the hardwood floor and left my pants on the porch to give u a frame of reference.
he says he is going to get you very high and make you leave the country with him
possibly by boat
I don't know. I just thought I'd put my drinks in my bag and go on an adventure. Like a drunk Bilbo Baggins.
Guess what I'm doing tonight? Tacos and strip chess.
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
I want you to know that the guy who peed in your bed got fat.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
He lasted less than 30 sec. in bed and then sent me a friend request on LinkedIn. Wtf.
Randomize